OK. So, now....
1. Today contained some nice plot twists that I am grateful for. I worked a late afternoon-evening half-shift today, and I'd had a lengthy to-do list for the first half of the day. But, a splitting headache and being period-y af erased any chances of completing that list. I mostly took it easy so I wouldn't be a complete screw up at work tonight. (So much for spackling all the holes in my bedroom walls pre-painting. Another chore to be added to Saturday's list. Grrrr.) As it was, I drove to work very much in an I-Hate-Humans mood. Then, who'd've guessed, but I had a great shift at work and then a lovely afterward! What a nice swing! I'd spiraled down pretty badly last night (I need to be stricter with myself about how much domestic and international news I consume each day) and then felt physically miserable today so I'm grateful that the universe decided to hold my hand a little tonight. My soul has been fed!
First up, a Dear One at work whom I've been worrying over and feeling oh so mamabear about has begun to emerge on the bright other side of a nasty time that had left him stunned and very much not his normal self, and I am sobbing thank yous at God and the universe. I have wanted nothing more than to fix things for him, to help, to sooth, to somehow make things better and have been helpless to do so other than to send unswerving loyal, loving energy and provide copious hugs. (Because, y'all know I'm a hugslut!) I knew he'd be ok. I knew it for certain because of who he is and his relationship with his wife. He is a good man, the real deal. But, there was an unavoidable number of being raked across shattered glass days he had to endure before the thinking began to supersede the feeling. Seeing him becoming healthy and hopeful again is such joy.
We were really busy this afternoon and tonight. I like that! I prefer having customers and staying busy. It helps pass the time, and there's satisfaction in feeling productive. We're doing another charity fundraiser at work. (The company I work for ROCKS at community service. I had a blast volunteering at the soup kitchen w/work folks last week.) This is another fundraising round for the food bank. I've long been zealous about doing work for nonprofits. When I was younger, that included employment. And, over the years, it has involved coordinating programs, volunteering, and fundraising. Even when my son was little, I'd just babywear him and work on projects, pausing to nurse or give him a bottle as needed. So, when helping opportunities pop up at work, I AM ON IT. Totally my jam. No, it's not at all back in my days of being on this board or directing that committee or coordinating such and such project. But, it's a little bit I can do in the here and now, and I kick ass at it. Tonight, I was busy with customers, but at one point Ponytail came up and handed me a card and said it was a thank you for my working hard on the current fundraiser. Well, that felt lovely! I slipped it into my pocket to look at later because I was still quite busy taking care of customers. After I got off, I pulled out the card and looked at it. It had been filled out in the store manager's name and was a company thank you card (like a getting noticed, getting rewarded nod from the company kind of thing) filled out to honor my work on the fundraiser. Which, hello warm fuzzies! That felt nice! I try really hard at work. I have extremely high standards for myself. (Which leads to puking up stomach acid sometimes, but anyway, whatever.) And, to, out of the blue, get a wee little nod from my bosses?! That's kinda cool! It's encouraging, ya know? And, BONUS PRIZE, the back of the card has coupons that basically mean I'm gonna eat lunch for free from the store one shift this month. Delicious and free? Yes, please! Such a nice surprise! I know it's just a dumb little thing, but I smiled for a while. I've been really down on my workplace (not the company, just my specific location) lately, quite frustrated and angry about a very hurtful thing that happened (it's taken a lot of days and even driving down to where my old boss works to talk with Teddybear and get his advice for me to get to where I don't have a blood pressure headache and despise my store by the end of each shift --- the cut was deep, ya'll - and, it surprised me because I work for a genuinely good company and wasn't prepared for such a shitty thing to go down). Tonight's little positive moment was a nice change, made it a little easier to breathe.
And, file under "When I woke up this morning, I had no idea that...": tonight I got to see and touch a Super Bowl ring. Yup, a real one. I'm not into the NFL. The only football I pay attention to is SEC football. (ROLL TIDE!!!) (And, in what the rest of the world calls football, I root for Liverpool.) But, I totally get that having a Super Bowl ring is a superhuge big deal. One of my regular customers played for Bama back in the day and had an NFL career in the 1980s. And, he has a Super Bowl ring from when the Giants won. How cool is that?!? He's one of my fun customers. He's very tall and even at his current age is still pretty much a wall of muscle. He could be very scary and intimidating if he tried. He has a deep, booming voice I can always hear from far away. He's almost always in a smiling, effusive mood. He gives off nice, warm energy. I quite like interacting with him at work.
After work, I wanted to go read the new magazines at Barnes and Noble. On the way, I went through the drive-thru at the Dunkies I frequent (they've got my order memorized) and got my indulgent take on iced coffee. (Because, didn't I mention that my uterus is being a hateful bitch?!?) When I pulled up to the window to pay, the woman said, "It's free tonight! Enjoy!" What a nice surprise!!! How sweet! Why did that happen?!? As I pulled back onto the highway, I made happy, squeaky sounds and giggled gratitude.
And, then both the new Happinez and Mollie Makes were on the periodical shelves at Barnes and Noble! OOOOOHHH, the new Mollie Makes is soooo good. I am DEFINITELY buying it on Thursday.
2. Two of the women I work with are pregnant. Both are in their 2nd trimesters and carrying baby girls. Time to crochet baby blankets! Let the yarn-y cuteness begin!
3. When I first got to work, before I'd even really started working, the first people I saw were B and L, a darling elderly couple I know from temple. He has such a strong New York accent that I had trouble understanding him when I first met them! Her service dog (he indicates for diabetes -- he's already saved her life twice!) is one of my favorite local furballs. I'd seen L every now and then lately, but it was so nice to see B healthy enough to be out and about running errands! Of course, I did big hugs with both, and L kissed me on the cheek like he always does. Since I likely won't see them before Pesach, I went ahead and wished them Shana Tuva. And, since it's Friday, as they were leaving, B called back, "Shabbat Shalom!" to me. It felt like having a warm blanket laid over me.
I have an unexpected ache and am feeling strangely disoriented that I won't be celebrating Pesach this year. I haven't been to temple since Sukkot. And, most days, I'm solid on my decision to walk away (temporarily? permanently?) from organized religion, to live as a secular Jew. But, sometimes, I waver. For example, I'm reasonably sure that if I were still at Temple Israel in Memphis, I'd still be religious. And, I'm at least 50% that the day will come in a new town when I'll feel pulled back into congregational life. But, not yet. I'm not there, yet. And, definitely not here, not locally. As much as it pains me (and, oh God, it does pain me), I know I don't fit at the local synagogue. I can't make the necessary compromises. Maybe when the new rabbi comes? I don't know. I doubt it. For a Reform synagogue that doesn't function with fully Reform principles? It is a shul that values cowardice and not-rocking-the-boat over decisive integrity. And, then to have faced prejudice over.... nevermind, not going into details. I know eventually I'll go before the beit din and take the mikveh and complete. Just not now and not here. I have lived as a giyoret since 2013. And, that does not change.
I don't know how I'm going to face High Holy Days this fall. It's too big to even think about right now. It rips my guts up.
For now, day to day, I see to mitzvot, tzedakah, and living in dedication to Tikkun Olam.
The rest is torturously messy right now.
Other Dear Ones from temple have also wandered away from the local congregation, too. And, for much the same reasons. In a way, this is validation. It's not my imagination, and I'm not overreacting. But, it also increases the heartbreak because I know this means that others are also processing this anguish.
4. If you haven't watched the documentary Batkid Begins, yet, DO SO. Immediately. It's pure goodness. It's proof that we as a species don't completely suck.
5. Guilty pleasures: Sex and the City (the series and first movie), early Madonna songs (e.g. Into the Groove, Dress You Up, etc.), the massive fangirl crush I have on *name redacted*, USCG and RNLI SAR videos on youtube, Country Woman Magazine, old episodes of Bewitched, imported European periodicals, men in kilts, CSI:NY reruns, eclairs with chocolate icing.
6. Whenever I slip up and start wishing about a different future for myself and maybe even add an item to my bucket list, reality slams back into me and I remember I don't get to have a future. Either I'll die young (most likely) or remain trapped in this inescapable muck and mire (of my own making). I accept it for a while and firmly fuss at myself to resign myself to the truth. But, then, like a masochistic daydreamer, I'll eventually ignore the hard truth and slide into false hope again. Future wishing vs. future reality, round and round again. It's like I'm getting carsick in a TARDIS.
7. I finished reading Anna Kendrick's autobiography . I'd placed a hold on it waiting my turn from the library. I liked the book. It's definitely worth the quick read. She seems good weird.
8. More photographs:
Her name is Violetta. She was playing in the children's fountain in the Loop while Jazzfest was happening nearby last September in Chicago. Her dad gave me permission to photograph her and to post on social media.
Hand
Her Imagination Shoes
my favorite piece of graffiti in Dothan, Alabama
Well, this is more than enough for tonight. Oh, and speaking of Doctor Who and time lords (see #6), I just noticed that it's after midnight. So, even though this is Friday's post, it might show as Saturday depending on time zones and stuff like that. I'm not sure how this will work. Oh, well, we can just hop into a TARDIS and travel as necessary, right? (I CALL DIBS ON DAVID TENNANT!)
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